When WASPS Move into Your Hood

004001I have an irrational fear of bees, wasps and hornets. Truth be told, I don’t like any creature that has the ability to hurt me.

My dysfunctional relationship with stinging insects began the summer I was seven.

My dad found me playing in the backyard and decided his little princess would look cute in a series of outdoor pictures. At some point in the photo shoot, I stepped on a bee. It stung me–ouch!

Screaming and crying, I no longer looked picture perfect hopping around with a red, tear-stained face.

My dad, a former soldier, was one of those gruff men who believed that the best defence against female tears was a strong offence.

“I told you not to walk around the backyard barefoot,” he yelled, waving a finger at me.

“No, Dad, I’m pretty sure you told me to go stand under the cherry tree because it would make a pretty picture!”

Fast forward more years that I’m prepared to admit and I find a papery grey mass hanging outside the front door. Wasps have moved into our hood!

Online research indicates that given the opportunity, these nests can develop to the size of a La-Z-Boy recliner so waiting for my sailor to come home to deal with it isn’t an option. We could end up trapped inside our house by a giant wasp’s nest!

I head out to buy wasp spray. When the guy in the pesticide department at Canadian Tire flatly refuses to follow me home to spray the nest for me, I realize the awful truth: I’m the one who’ll have to do the deed.

This leads to my first how-to post.

How to get rid of a wasp’s nest:

1. Wait until sundown so all the insects are tucked in their little buggy beds for the night. (I know this sounds cruel, but it’s you or them!)

2. Don’t stand directly under the nest when you’re spraying as you don’t want angry, escaping wasps landing on your head. (This never even occurred to me until I read the warning on the can. It’s one more thing to worry about.)

3. Be prepared to run away screaming like a girl as soon as you’ve saturated the nest with the highly toxic mist.

4. Spend the rest of the evening looking at happy family photos, including wedding portraits in an effort to convince yourself you’re lucky to be married to such a wonderful man even if he’s hardly ever around.

Repeat step 4 every time you have to do something gross, scary or with the potential for personal injury because your husband is in Afghanistan.